you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
