I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
