ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
