My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Randomize
