I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
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Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
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I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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