I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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