and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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