Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
