i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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