Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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