I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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