Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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