It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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