I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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