Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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