you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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