My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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