I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
