Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
