He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
