You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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