well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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