You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
