Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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