we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
