I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
