I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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