My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
