Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
