i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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