one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need to calm my uterus...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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