Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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