I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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