Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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