Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
