Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
True college students do jello shots in the library
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
