Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
