You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
