Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
