it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
