Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
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I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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