Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Never let your siblings swipe right.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
