I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
