i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We left an ass print on the piano.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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