My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
