when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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