I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
