i just wanna soil my oats bro
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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