batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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