Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
