dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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