never play flip cup with pint glasses
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.