Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
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The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
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just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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