you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
