She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.