You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed