I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
