a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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