New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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