I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
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On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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