my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I need to align my fucking chakras
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
