The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
