I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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