I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Come on in and take your pants off
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